Why Can Trying to Control Everything Feel So Exhausting?
Having a sense of control can often feel reassuring.
Preparing for an important meeting, planning ahead for a trip, or staying organized in our daily responsibilities are all natural parts of life. At times, however, the need to stay in control can become something more than simply being prepared.
When we are faced with uncertainty, our minds may begin to anticipate every possible outcome. We may try to think through every detail, prepare for every scenario, or stay constantly alert in an effort to prevent something from going wrong.
Ironically, the more we try to control everything, the less secure we may begin to feel.
Wanting Control Is Not Always About Being Organized
From the outside, the need for control can look like responsibility, careful planning, or perfectionism.
For some people, however, it may also become a way of coping with the anxiety that uncertainty brings. When not knowing what will happen feels difficult to tolerate, planning ahead or anticipating every possibility can provide temporary relief.
The challenge is that life can never be completely controlled.
As the list of things we try to manage grows, so does our awareness of everything that remains beyond our control.
Sometimes Uncertainty Feels More Difficult Than the Situation Itself
Much of life involves uncertainty.
Relationships, health, work, and major life decisions rarely offer complete certainty. Yet our minds often work hard to eliminate uncertainty wherever possible.
We may replay the same conversation repeatedly, question whether we made the right decision, or prepare ourselves for the worst in the hope that it will hurt less if something goes wrong.
Although these efforts are understandable, they do not always provide the sense of safety we are looking for.
Therapy Can Be a Place to Become Curious About the Need for Control
Therapy is not about encouraging someone to become less responsible or less prepared.
Instead, it can offer space to become curious about when the need for control becomes especially strong and how it may relate to a person's life experiences.
Sometimes the need for control is closely connected to anxiety. At other times, it may reflect a fear of being hurt again, struggling with uncertainty, or feeling overwhelmed by situations that cannot be predicted.
As we begin to understand why trying to control everything feels so exhausting, it may become possible to develop a different relationship with uncertainty itself.
If you are considering psychotherapy for yourself or couples therapy, I offer therapy in English and Turkish. Sessions are available online across Ontario and Alberta, as well as in person in Toronto.
You are welcome to contact me to arrange a complimentary 15-minute consultation to explore whether working together feels like the right fit.