Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?
Sometimes we find it easier to offer compassion to other people than to ourselves.
If a close friend made a mistake, we might remind them that everyone struggles from time to time. Yet when something similar happens to us, a much harsher voice can appear. We may tell ourselves we should have known better, tried harder, or avoided the mistake altogether.
Over time, this inner voice can become so familiar that we stop questioning it. Instead, it begins to feel like the truth.
Where Might Our Inner Critical Voice Come From?
The way we speak to ourselves is not simply a matter of personality.
The relationships, expectations, and experiences we grow up with often become part of our inner world. Sometimes the critical messages we heard as children stay with us. At other times, it is the expectations that were never spoken aloud that continue to shape the way we see ourselves.
Over time, this voice can begin to feel less like something that came from outside and more like our own thoughts. We may not notice how familiar our self-critical reactions have become, believing we are simply being realistic or trying to motivate ourselves.
Being Hard on Ourselves Can Sometimes Feel Protective
At first glance, self-criticism may seem entirely unhelpful. For some people, however, it develops over time as a way of protecting themselves from disappointment or failure.
If they criticize themselves first, they may feel that other people's criticism will hurt less. Others may believe that expecting more from themselves is the only way to stay in control. Although this way of coping may feel protective in the short term, it can gradually lead to exhaustion, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, or the sense that they are never quite good enough.
Self-Compassion Is Not About Letting Ourselves Off the Hook
Treating ourselves with greater compassion is sometimes misunderstood.
Some people worry that it means avoiding responsibility, overlooking mistakes, or giving up on personal growth.
Self-compassion is not about pretending that difficult experiences never happened. Rather, it involves responding to ourselves with some of the understanding we are often able to offer other people when we are struggling.
Being kinder to ourselves does not reduce our capacity for change. For many people, meaningful change becomes possible only when they no longer feel constantly judged by themselves.
Therapy Can Be a Place to Become Curious About This Voice
Therapy is not about trying to silence the inner critical voice.
Instead, it can become a place to wonder when this voice appears, what it may be trying to protect us from, and how it continues to shape the way we relate to ourselves. As we begin to understand why we are so hard on ourselves, it may become possible to develop a different relationship with that voice over time.
Most of us have an inner critical voice from time to time. When that voice begins to dominate the way we see ourselves, however, we may start defining ourselves primarily through our shortcomings.
Therapy can offer space not to eliminate this voice completely, but to understand it with greater curiosity and, over time, to relate to ourselves with more compassion.
If you are considering psychotherapy for yourself or couples therapy, I offer therapy in English and Turkish. Sessions are available online across Ontario and Alberta, as well as in person in Toronto.
You are welcome to contact me to arrange a complimentary 15-minute consultation to explore whether working together feels like the right fit.